Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
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I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot