@TheAlexP

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

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@NightValeRadio

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

@ninjadinosaur1

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

@LizHackett

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

@clichedout

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

@RodLacroix

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

@GrantTanaka

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

@PaperWash

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

@Tayyxb

David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”

Buckingham Palace?

@Pundamentalism

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive