There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
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I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
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