There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
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[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.