There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
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Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.