There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
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Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong