There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
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Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho