@John_Quaintance

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

You Might Also Like

@junejuly12

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

@Mardigroan

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

@theashleyray

this guy who ghosted me hit me up this morning and i was like “why’d you ghost” and he said he felt like i was subtweeting him and i said what tweets? and every single one he sent was from when i was livetweeting Surviving R. Kelly and they were all about R. Kelly

@johnalogue

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

@Kendragarden

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

@dafloydsta

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

@sidleykate

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.