Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
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If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
this guy who ghosted me hit me up this morning and i was like “why’d you ghost” and he said he felt like i was subtweeting him and i said what tweets? and every single one he sent was from when i was livetweeting Surviving R. Kelly and they were all about R. Kelly
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Taken is the adult version of Finding Nemo.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.