There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
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I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
the world’s most popular steaming services
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”