There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
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Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.