Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.