There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
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3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Trumpy Cat
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice