There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
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It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God