There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

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Him: I’ll kill anyone that tries to come near you.

Me: Oh, that’s sweet babe but do you think you could you leave the Cinnabon samples guy alone?


I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.


My boyfriend: *leaves the room*

The fbi agent in my webcam: No I totally see what you mean.

Me: right? He’s weird today. How’s your husband?

FBI agent: he wants us to open our marriage

Me: that’s rough janet.


If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.


When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits


[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out


I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.