There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
You Might Also Like
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product