One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
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You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.