You hate it
“No I just didn’t think we’d spend our anniversary here”
“What was that?!”
The bouncy castle is deflating
There’s no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.
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Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
You need to let shit go.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
why call it a “pork medallion” instead of a Hamulet
Lynyrd Skynyrd wrote a song about how great Alabama is, and the only thing they could come up with is that the sky is really blue.
Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it’s trunk and tell it how knotty it is.
every single time