@motrboatr

There’s no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.

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@NicestHippo

You hate it
“No I just didn’t think we’d spend our anniversary here”
*pssss*
“What was that?!”
The bouncy castle is deflating

@CharismaFueled

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

@HansGrubertron

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

@yenniwhite

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

@robfee

Lynyrd Skynyrd wrote a song about how great Alabama is, and the only thing they could come up with is that the sky is really blue.

@UrbanDouchebag

Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it’s trunk and tell it how knotty it is.