There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

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Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.


“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure


I hate when I decide to sleep and my brain goes like “Come back here! Remember that thing you did, why?” & we stay up talking about it.


baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions


Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?


When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating


“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.


Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??


My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.


A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.