There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
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I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
This is the coolest video you will see today.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*