There’s no “u” in narcissist
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[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I’m listening
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.