There’s no “us” in nachos.
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Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Worst bar ever.
Cashiers are always checking me out
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I mean…but I did
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.