Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
You Might Also Like
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Not all heroes wear capes…
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.