There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
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Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
My good tweets are in my other pants.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?