There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
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My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
#winning
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”