Employees must applaud the planets.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
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I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
[with father in law]
“You know how to pluck a goose, son?”
Er yes sir, sure do
*stretches goose’s neck and plays it like a double bass*
[making small talk at a party]
Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol