There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
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I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Best mom ever 😂
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores