There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
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My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.