There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
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Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*