I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
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I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Don’t talk down to me
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.