@dshack8
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
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@dshack8
@Abfablee
Our gold fish jumped out of his tank and the dog ate it…..I feel like there is a life lesson here but don’t know what it is.
@crocodilethumbs
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
@NewDadNotes
Me: what are you doing?
Daughter: playing with Michael.
Me: aw, I had an imaginary friend named Michael when I was your age too.
Daughter: I know.
Me: how did you know?
Daughter: Michael told me.
@OhNoSheTwitnt
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
@TragicAllyHere
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
@OohSnapItsChris
Girls love a mysterious man, shiny things and a good chase. Supposedly that doesn’t mean put on a mask & run after her with a knife.
@Nikkeya08
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
@MandiAtRandom
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
@Mmelulu
Apparently the owners of Aldi and Lidl were really brothers. Presumably Aldi was the alder one and Lidl the Lidl one.