I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
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Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
back to work
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”