Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.