@CherBear162

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

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@joeljeffrey

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

@JediGigi

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

@AimeeHelene1

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

@shutupmikeginn

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

@NicCageMatch

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

@TEXASVETERAN

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

@SimoneGiertz

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

@jjhartinger

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

@AnkCoupleTO

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective