Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
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M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
Me: There was a spider.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective