There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
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So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I only eat vegetarians.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Software Development ⛵️
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY