There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
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The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.