There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
You Might Also Like
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am