I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
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i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder