@KenJennings

There’s nothing more disturbing than the 1st time you hear someone you know using their “whooo’s a good dog” voice.

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@bourgeoisalien

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

@Parkerlawyer

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

@ArfMeasures

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

@neiltyson

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

@Staggfilms

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

@BigHeb7

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

@northcoastkevin

I accidentally walked into the women’s room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn’t be awkward.

@envydatropic

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

@aveuaskew

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.