Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
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[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally