Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
You Might Also Like
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop