There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
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[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??