There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
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An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.