There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
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I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?