There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
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A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.