[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
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Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?