@joshgondelman

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

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@zacharyflynn

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

@MNateShyamalan

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

@YayForJam

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

@goldman

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

@arcadeseals

her: coffee?

me: yes please

her: how do you take it?

me: orally

@DestineyLynn

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

@VanGobot

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

@KingRainhead

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

@timdonakowski

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.