There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
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Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Livid.