[at adoption agency]
“Why do you think you’d be a good fit for adoption?”
*cut to a baby mowing my lawn*
“I just love kids”
There’s only one kind of people in this world 1. who are good at maths 2. who aren’t 3. whose dog can come up with a better tweet than this.
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[finds money in jacket]
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich