There’s only one kind of people in this world 1. who are good at maths 2. who aren’t 3. whose dog can come up with a better tweet than this.

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[at adoption agency]

“Why do you think you’d be a good fit for adoption?”

*cut to a baby mowing my lawn*

“I just love kids”


[finds money in jacket]
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?


At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist


[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is



~ My dog every time I use a broom


I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.


When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’


Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.


waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.


I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich