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INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
these two trucks have the same bed length
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
The French cow says MEUX…
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.