Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
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5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.