There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*