I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
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Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Buying a well is money well spent.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
when revenge coincides with naptime
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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