There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
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Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
What about second breakfast?
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
the short answer to this question
Never forget.