There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
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[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
damn he’s good
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I’m too immature for adultery.