@nerdamage

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

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@Madrass_badsass

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

@Playing_Dad

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

@MikeCanRant

Thanks History Channel for letting me know that this scene showing General Custer at the Battle of Little Bighorn is a dramatization.

@hellolanemoore

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

@Marlebean

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

@XplodingUnicorn

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

@InternetHippo

ME: People should be able to say what they want w/o consequences, that’s the essence of free speech
SOMEONE: You suck
ME: Call the police