I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
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How to keep calm in traffic jams
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Thanks History Channel for letting me know that this scene showing General Custer at the Battle of Little Bighorn is a dramatization.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
why am I eating & cr
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
ME: People should be able to say what they want w/o consequences, that’s the essence of free speech
SOMEONE: You suck
ME: Call the police