Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
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Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
New evidence shows #marijuana not only helps with cancer side effects but may fight cancer itself! Oh pot, is there anything u can’t do?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Me: My daughters are 15, 13, and 10.
Her: Do you want more kids?
Her: Is that a no?
Me: *Deep breathe* Hahahahahaha