“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
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My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”