@dugglebutt

There’s plenty of fish in the sea. There is also a pile of trash the size of Texas.

Guess which one you’ll end up with

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@livlivme_do

The lord giveth, and the lord slappeth that shit right out of your hands.

@realHamOnWry

Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.

@Ivsy01

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

@Try2StopME

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

@TankCesar

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.

@yasminTBH

An old Nigerian man just played a siren sound on his phone in the line at the airport to announce someone stole his sandals, I can’t breathe

@JohnHilsen

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

@marknorm

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

@AmericanGent69

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.