@dugglebutt

There’s plenty of fish in the sea. There is also a pile of trash the size of Texas.

Guess which one you’ll end up with

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@Quartzjixler

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

@defdanielle

there are naturally attractive people and then there are people like me who take pictures from good angles with the right lighting

@SurgicalTurtle

ME: [screaming into the void]
THE VOID: please untag me from this thread

@WilliamRodgers

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

@Lord_Voldemort7

Who names hurricanes? Are people actually supposed to be intimidated by something named Sandy?

@TheTweetOfGod

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

@GrantTanaka

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

@GingerHotDish

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

@TheAlexNevil

*intercom

SHEEPLE, WAKE UP! THE SAME CANDY THEY CALL “HALLOWEEEEEEN” CANDY IS AVAILABLE ALL YEAR LO…get off me…let go…NEVER FORGET!