The lord giveth, and the lord slappeth that shit right out of your hands.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea. There is also a pile of trash the size of Texas.
Guess which one you’ll end up with
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Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
An old Nigerian man just played a siren sound on his phone in the line at the airport to announce someone stole his sandals, I can’t breathe
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.