Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
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The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Me: It’s not illegal to be rude to cops.
Them: Well, if you poke a bear, what do you expect?
Me: That’s why we don’t make bears cops.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Only 99 problems?
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
50+ [ ]
me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol