Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
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Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.