Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

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The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.


Me: It’s not illegal to be rude to cops.
Them: Well, if you poke a bear, what do you expect?
Me: That’s why we don’t make bears cops.


Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me


What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.


inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it


“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc


[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol