[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
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My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I’m not lazy
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.